OH NO, MARK WALKER IS STUCK IN A HORROR FRANCHISE

29/9/2022

OH NO I’M STUCK IN A HORROR

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You wake up and find yourself in a horror franchise, what franchise would you prefer to wake up in and why?

I love the Alien franchise, especially the first two films and, as a kid, I used to daydream about being a space marine, purging LV-426 with a pulse rifle. But let’s be honest for a moment, the odds for survival are pretty low when it comes to even just one Alien, so a whole settlement full? I’m dead before dinner time to be fair – I’d be dead long before I learned they mostly come at night.

So, is this supposed to be the franchise I love the most, or the one in which I think I have a chance of surviving?

If we are going with survival, then I think the Dead franchise is probably the one. Dawn of the Dead feels like a fairly good deal, holed up in a Mall somewhere, barricaded in with enough supplies to keep going for a while. Now, I don’t want a zombie chowing down on a limb, but they don’t bleed acid and they don’t move like Linford Christie or Carl Lewis chasing gold, so you are always in with a sporting chance.

Of course, you then have the question of who you want to be trapped with? Do we have to accept the characters in that film, or can we have different people. Because, if we go with the people in the film, then I’m going to be worried about my safety. Any group of more than about 3 people in a Zombie film are bad news. They could be holed up in Fort Knox, but there will be one stupid enough to somehow let the zombies in. Probably while we are asleep and defenceless. I’m hopeful it wouldn’t be me, I think I am smarter than that but, if there is one thing these films tell us, it’s that we shouldn’t trust anyone!

You find yourself as the “Final One” which monster / villain would you most like to go up against and why do you think you would survive?

Again, and apologies that this is kinda vanilla, but shuffling zombies always feel like a good option. I might not be the fittest person in the world, but I reckon I could survive against a Romero zombie, or a Return of the Living Dead zombie. However, I don’t want one of those 28 Days Later or Zombieland zombies, that just looks like hard work. It’s a post-apocalyptic world, I deserve a rest!

And which creature would you least like to go up against?

The Thing. The creature from Carpenter’s classic is one of the ultimate monsters for one simple reason; unless it is in panic mode and moving from one hapless victim to the next, you don’t know who or what the hell it is. And, even when it is in panic mode, it seems pretty good at surviving, escaping and assimilating someone, or something else.

Freddie, Jason, Michael? You can see those bastards. They may well be hard to kill, but they are, on the whole, fairly easy to outrun, and they can’t possess you.

And that is what makes it scary. Anyone could be the Thing. You might think you were safe out of the snow, but in a big city, it could hundreds of people. It’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers but without the warning signs of the pods. You just get up one day and Uncle George bleeding from his arse and melting Aunty Ethel’s face. The stalemate ending of the film is the only imaginable way things are going to end. Just two groups of people left, at least one of them likely possessed by The Thing, but The Thing just needs to wait it out. It survived thousands of years in the ice before, it can survive again. Me? I’ll be dropping off by about 3 in the afternoon and it will just eat me then.

You find yourself in Scooby Doo, which character are you, and who would you most like to have as the other members of Mystery Inc?

Are we talking real or fictional people? Or both? I guess the beard and love of a good sandwich sets me out as Shaggy, but perhaps I would replace some of the team? Velma could stay for the smarts (and everyone secretly fancied Velma over Daphne) and team her up with the ultimate detective, Batman. If we are out catching ghosts and goblins, that guy has some pretty special toys that could come in handy.

And how about Ed and Lorraine Warren from the Conjuring, just in case there were any real ghosts out there?

And maybe Hellboy for the muscle and zingy one liners.

Maybe we can bio-engineer a cyborg cross between Scooby and K-9.

Sorry Fred and Daphne, but maybe you can enjoy some alone time?

And Scrappy Doo? You can fuck right off, son.

Pinhead pops round for an evening of fun, what are you pains and pleasures?

Pinhead I can deal with, but if that fucker turns up with anything slug related, then I’m out. Not sure what it is about them, but I think it goes back to camping in the back garden in a tent and waking up to find a 4-foot (no exaggeration) slug crawling in my sleeping bag. I know what you are saying, ‘he probably poo’d himself in the night,’ but that bugger was slimy and had teeth like a Critter. So, ever since then, I just can’t stand them. It is fairly irrational, but that’s my Kryptonite; jeez, I would be a crap superhero if you just had to throw a homeless snail at me to defeat me.

I’m easy to please but pretty sure that Pinhead would not be turning up with Sushi and Profiteroles, but you can only hope.

The Wishmaster gives you three wishes

1. You can wish to write in any franchise

Well, this may be a bit of a cheat as it is, technically, 2 franchises, but Aliens and Predator, precisely so we can get a decent Aliens vs Predator film on the big screen. Now I am not necessarily saying the existing films are bad, but they just didn’t capitalize on either franchise in the best way, IMHO!

I read the 5-part AvP comic series from Dark Horse as a Teenager and remember getting a little excited by the sight of the Alien Skull in the spaceship at the end of Predator 2.

But, alas, we didn’t get the film based in the comic universe that could have been awesome. I’ve only watched the AvP films once I think and I seem to remember there being elements of the comics in there, but you had to dig for them and the stories were vastly different.
They say to write what you want to see and, as a life-long Alien devotee, I’d love to write the screenplay for a straight up adaptation of the Dark Horse Comic, and capitalise on the AvP tease at the end of Predator 2… and then I can do the novelization of the film after it becomes a resounding success!

In fact, I haven’t read the comics for years, so might dig them out while I wait for Pinhead and the Sushi (please sushi, not slugs… sushi, not slugs.)

2. You can wipe one franchise from the minds of everyone

I don’t really want to do this as no one ever sets out to make a crap film and one man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure. But, bearing in mind the point above, maybe a reboot is about due. We don’t need to delete the other films, just reboot it with great pomp and circumstance so everyone is focused on the new one.

3. You can date your horror crush

Who do you chose?

Winona Ryder. I have always had a soft spot for Winona. My wife already knows this and, to be fair, doesn’t look a million miles different, so I guess I have a type?

From the first time I saw her in Beetlejuice, rented from our local off-license’s collection of about 27 VHS tapes, to her continuing adventures in Stranger Things, I have always taken a bit of a shine to Winona. And, in between, she hasn’t been a stranger (see what I did there) to horror, putting in fantastic performances in things like Edward Scissorhands, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Alien Resurrection, Black Swan and even Frankenweenie if you are counting voice acting. So, she knows how to handle herself in a crisis. In fact, if the date starts just before I end up trapped in a horror franchise, I’m gonna hope that Winona is trapped in there with me… just so I can be sure I will be able to escape intact and make it home to my wife…

MARK WALKER

Mark is an NHS worker living in Gloucestershire with his family and a plethora of pets, including rats, guinea pigs, a rabbit, beetles, tarantulas, chickens and degus. When he is not working or feeding the animals (not to each other) he writes screenplays and short stories as well as working on his first novels that, one day, might see the light of day. Funnily enough, the subject matter of the majority of this writing is Horror. While he has dabbled in drama and family films, he is always drawn back to ghouls and ghosties and all things grotty. He currently has a number of short stories published across three compilations.

He has had a fascination with the dark side ever since begging and begging to be allowed to stay up late and watch things like The Horror Express or Salem's Lot, before crapping himself to sleep (which is a euphemism, he hastens to add). Introduced to the works of Dennis Wheatley by his mum, it was only a matter of time before he was getting Stephen King for Chistmas (books, not the actual man) with notes from his grandparents asking if his mother knew he was reading this stuff. This also led to his mum questioning his friends as to the state of his mind as his interest in horror grew... which was strange, seeing as it was her fault for telling him to read Wheatley and letting him stay up to watch Salem's Lot in the first place!

Anyway, fast forward to now and he still loves watching and reading horror, as well as trying to write it. Favourite books and films? Well, that will be a long list. Mark has always loved Stephen King but is hoping working with GNoH will help broaden his horizons to new writers, which can only be a good thing. Film-wise, it is hard to pin down as he enjoys a wide variety of films from both the past and the present. From Alien, The Thing and The Shining to Ringu, Midsommar and Fear Street, if it has monsters and things that go bump in the night, he is happy.

He can currently be found trying to corrupt his daughters by sharing many of his favourite films and rising to their challenge when they say the last one wasn't all that scary....
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Website

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