WE ALL CARRY GUILT by Alan Baxter

by Alan Baxter 

Ginger Nuts of Horror is proud to host a  three-day celebration / slow cover reveal for the launch of Alan Baxter's new book Manifest Recall published by Grey Matter Press. Today Alan has a written an article entitled We All Carry Guilt.

Tomorrow we have an exclusive extract from Alan's book, and on Saturday we reveal the whole cover and announce a two part competition, where you can initially win one of three copies of Alan's book and in the second part win a bundle of books from the Ginger Nuts of Horror's Approved author and publisher list.

 
Someone said something to me recently that made me stop and think. In the end, I’ve decided they were wrong, but maybe they inadvertently touched on a different truth. They told me, “You know, I don’t think there’s a parent out there who doesn’t feel guilt.” They were talking in terms of the guilt they think every parent carries for the wrongs they’ve done their kids. Honestly, I think they were projecting. Maybe they were a shitty parent and need to think every parent has equal levels of remorse. But I don’t. Admittedly, my kid is only four and half, so I have plenty of time to fuck up. And sure, there are already things I wish I’d done differently, things I know I could have managed better. But I don’t carry guilt about that stuff. None of it is enough to mess my kid up, and children are incredibly resilient creatures as long as they know they’re loved and looked after.

But that whole thing led me to think about guilt more broadly, and how I’ve drawn on that in my fiction. Manifest Recall is, without doubt, a book about guilt. It’s also about regret, revenge, striving for redemption, loss, and lots of other stuff too. But at its heart, it’s a book about guilt.

Eli Carver is a man who, at the start of Manifest Recall, has no idea who he is, where he is, or what he’s doing. As his recollections slowly return, he realizes why his brain shut down on the events leading up to his first blackout. And he really does have a lot to make up for. Other people around him perhaps have far more to make up for, but are apparently unaware of their transgressions. Or they are fully aware and don’t give a fuck, which is the real definition of a bad guy.

In most of my fiction, I deal with themes of action, consequence, death, loss, and revenge. I find those subjects incredibly rich mines for story. But guilt is definitely over-riding with this novella. And that person telling they think every parent has guilt gave me pause for thought. I don’t share their guilt as a parent, at least not yet and I hope never, but I do have guilt about some things.

My editor wanted this post to be a confessional, and it’s not going to be. My skeletons will remain in their closets, but I can talk in broad terms. I did things to friends when I was a teenager that I’m ashamed of now. For the most part, I’ve also made up as best I can for those things, but the guilt remains. I did things to strangers that I can never amend. And no, nothing devastating or even criminal, but things for which I still carry guilt all these years later. So I got to wondering, how much remorse do other people carry with them, like luggage they can’t put down. Are there people out there with crippling guilt that’s directly affecting their lives on a daily basis? I’m sure there are. That’s certainly the case for Eli Carver in Manifest Recall, and it governs every action he takes, which is what the book is about. How many people out there should be feeling crippling doubt, but have no idea? Or, like I mentioned before, they know but don’t care. There are a lot of assholes out there who don’t give much of a shit about their fellow human.
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In the book, Eli goes on a mission of revenge, partly because those he goes after absolutely deserve it, and partly because he needs to do something about the remorse that’s eating him alive. His skeletons are out of the closet and dancing on his brain. He can’t ignore them. What if we could do that too? Is there a way to assuage our own remorse, hopefully without going to the lengths that Eli goes to? Something worth thinking about, because I felt sorry for that parent and the guilt they live with. They might be able to mitigate it, at least partially, if they were honest with their kids and unburdened themselves. They might not get forgiveness, but at least recognition that they are aware of their transgressions. I think that goes a long way. How much are we aware of ours? I suppose you didn’t expect a post where you ended up exhorted to self-examine your own dark closets for skeletons. Sorry about that! Maybe you can just read Eli’s story in Manifest Recall, and know that at least you’ll never have his burdens. At least, I really hope you don’t!
 

Remember to check out an exclusive pre-publication extract from Manifest Recall, where we will reveal a little bit more of the cover,  by clicking here and tune in on Saturday for a chance to win a copy of the book, and a chance to win a book bundle courtesy of Ginger Nuts of Horror 

PHOBIA A REVIEW AND INTERVIEW WITH DIRECTORS LORENZO ZANONI & ROB ULITSKI