ANKLE BITERS [FILM REVIEW]

It’s not funny enough for a dark comedy, not tense enough for a thriller, not scary enough for a horror, not engaging enough for a drama. Instead it just kind of sits there. There’s the occasional very gruesome moment, but they’re limited to a fun eye-gouging right in the opening minutes after the funeral and the murderous climax, 

Ankle Biters
Four adorable little girls plot to murder a hockey player after they mistake an act of lovemaking as an attack on their mom.

Director
Bennet De Brabandere
Writers
Bennet De Brabandere(screenplay)Zion Forrest Lee(story by)
Stars
Colin MochrieHeidi von PalleskeMatia Jackett​
​A film review by Sam Kurd 

Ankle Biters is a Canadian horror-comedy from writer-director Bennet De Brabandere, story by Zion Forrest Lee.


Sean Chase (Zion Forrest Lee) is an ex-hockey star who’s planning to propose to his girlfriend Laura (Marianthi Evans). There’s just one problem-- well, four problems: Laura’s daughters Lily, Rosalee, Dahlia and Violet (Lily, Rosalee, Dahlia and Violet Reid). As much as Sean feels he’s ready to take on the responsibilities of a step-dad, he’s severely underestimated how much these girls dislike him, and when they mistake the couple’s rough kinky sex for Sean abusing their mother, they start to plot and scheme and plan how to get rid of him.


Will Sean survive their increasingly dangerous shenanigans? Well, the film literally opens with his ashes being presented to his parents before skipping back in time, so I guess asking the question’s a bit pointless.


I just don’t understand that choice at all. There was no need to open with him already dead; it sucks all the tension right out of the story. It highlights the biggest problem the film has: its tone. It’s not that it’s tonally inconsistent; for most of the film the tone is pretty steady. Unfortunately, that tone is ‘flat’.


It’s not funny enough for a dark comedy, not tense enough for a thriller, not scary enough for a horror, not engaging enough for a drama. Instead it just kind of sits there. There’s the occasional very gruesome moment, but they’re limited to a fun eye-gouging right in the opening minutes after the funeral and the murderous climax, with so few similar moments in between that these bits just feel jarring. And the climax itself appears to be aiming for wackiness, which is completely at odds with the rest of the film. It just doesn’t work.

The other big problem is the pacing. Loads of shots are held for much longer than they need to be, and the story progresses so… very… very… slowly… The set-up spends what feels like hours showing us that everybody loves Sean – his fans love him, random people in his hometown love him, his neighbours love him, what a loveable guy this guy is… but all the while he’s just a fairly low-key obnoxious prick. He jokes with his cop friend by speeding instead of being pulled over… with one of his girlfriend’s kids sleeping in the car. He flirts with the neighbours’ teenage kid Matia (Matia Jackett) who he watched grow up, literally telling her she’s jailbait in a gross interaction that I think is meant to be titillating, judging by how the camera practically drooled all over the kid’s body. He’s just super-uncomfortable to watch, and I don’t really blame the girls for hating him.


Ah yes, the girls… I don’t like to rag on child actors, especially when they’re this young and have plenty of time to get acting lessons and learn the craft. But I will say, I think casting actual sisters in this case was a mistake rather than a benefit. Sure, they look and act believably alike, being actual siblings, but they were too alike… I had no idea which kid was which at any one point. They weren’t individual characters with distinguishable personalities, they were a group of interchangeable blonde moppets with a penchant for evil glares. It’s partly a failing of the script, too; there wasn’t enough effort to give them each a personality, so instead we get long scenes of them bickering and generally doing kid stuff that doesn’t actually go anywhere. I’m sure that in time and with practice they’ll grow into good actors, but their scenes are a tough watch.


It’s not all bad, though. Colin Mochrie’s in it for a couple of scenes! You know, the bald Whose Line guy! He’s always funny… well, ok, he’s funny in one of his couple of scenes here, but don’t knock it, it was literally the only funny moment in a film that’s presumably supposed to be a horror-comedy. The effects are also excellent; the aforementioned eye-gouging is gruesome fun, and there’s a moment involving spiders and an ear that had me sat bolt upright with my hands over my ears. I’m shuddering even as I type this.


But sadly that’s all it’s really got going for it. I kept waiting for it to be funny, then I figured maybe the marketing was wrong and it was actually meant to be serious, so I kept waiting for it to ramp the suspense up but that never happened either. It wasn’t helped by the score, which was Ominous and Sinister all the damn time, even while absolutely nothing was happening.


This is De Brabandere’s debut feature, and it feels underdeveloped. Things like Sean’s anger problem are set up but don’t get more than a cursory mention for a payoff, and there are so many scenes that could be cut without losing any of the story or character development at all. I’m sorry to say it, but it was simply boring.


There’s a great premise here, but sadly they just don’t do it justice.

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