REVIEW - THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE BY ADAM MILLARD

A heart-warming tale of Christmas cheer, how love and friendship can conquer all and what the true spirit of the season is. Set against a backdrop of a turbulent era, in which plucky little elves stand up for what they believe in and forge a new destiny for themselves...

Okay, it's nothing like that at all. What it is, is smutty, violent, disgusting, full of bad language, even worse sex, characters with no redeeming qualities and more bad jokes than you can shake a stick covered in poo at. It also happens to be very, very funny.

Adam Millard's Christmas tale takes us to a Santa's Workshop that's filled with disgruntled elves who are one step up from slave labour. Santa himself is a grumpy old lush, who spends his days lording it over his 'staff' and being completely oblivious to the infidelities of his ex-stripper wife, Jessica. Things take a turn for the worse (hard as that is to believe) when someone starts kidnapping elves to turn them into some sort of Human Santapede (or Inhuman, or (In)Human). It's down to top elf Finklefoot, to investigate and try to put a halt to the evil-doings...

Getting humour in fiction right, especially this kind of humour, is very difficult and it's a testament to Millard that he manages it with aplomb. Sure, the book isn't going to win the Booker Prize, or even change your life (though it might give you a few weird dreams), but who gives a shit about those things? What it will do (obviously depending on your sense of humour) is make you laugh at the sheer inappropriateness of it. But this is no foul, offensive story for the sake of it. It's actually closer in spirit to the works of Terry Pratchett or, more closely, Robert Rankin (albeit far, far more debauched than either of these fellows). It's full of wry asides, knowing jokes and lots and lots of bad (and therefore, very good) puns. And it's all done with a firm feeling of joy and delight.

The story is pretty short, too and rattles along with glee. Often, the humour in these things becomes a bit wearisome but due to the brevity of it, it never outstays its vile welcome. While there was the occasional joke that made me groan (in a good-natured way), invariably, I laughed (yes, out loud) at least once in each chapter.

If you have a mad sense of humour (if you like stuff like The League Of Gentlemen, Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, Monty Python and so on), you might just get a kick out of this. Be warned though, it does contain foul language and the act of stitching on person's mouth to another's arsehole...

However, it would be fantastic if we could get this noticed beyond the horror community, even if for its perceived notoriety. So, come on, partake of the Christmas spirit and buy a copy. Let's see if we can propel it to best-selling status. Get that cover on the local news, at least...

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REVIEWED BY PAUL M. FEENEY 

PURCHASE "THE HUMAN SANTAPEDE" FROM HERE

Santa Claus is coming to town...at least, that was the plan, but now his elves have started going missing, kidnapped by some insidious figure in a black cloak, and despite the magic swirling about the place, the toys aren't going to put themselves together. So begins a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Kris Kringle searches The Land of Christmas for his abducted minions, unaware that he is to play an integral part in his foe's plans. 

Krampus is pissed at Santa after lending him his snowblower and never getting it back. His punishment? To build aHuman Santapede long enough to stretch around The Land of Christmas, and at its helm, the jolly fat man himself. Can Santa - aided by his best foreman, Finklefoot - get his elves back, defeat Krampus, and save Christmas before it is too late, or will Krampus succeed in creating the ghastliest single-file organism the North Pole has ever seen? 

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, things are about to get messy...

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THE HEART AND SOUL OF HORROR