JEFF O’BRIEN BELIEVES THAT JOHN TITOR IS AN ASSHOLE.

Here at The Ginger Nuts of Horror, we’re always trying to provide readers with quality news, reviews, and interviews that can’t be found anywhere else. We’ve really outdone ourselves this time, though. What you are about to read is the first of its kind, an interview conducted through the power of time travel!
 
Thanks to the good scientists at the Institute of Future Technology, we here at GNOH have the opportunity to send questions back the ancient year of 1988, where they will be intercepted by author, butcher, and smut expert extraordinaire Jeff O’Brien, who will then bury his answers in a time capsule to be unearthed in modern times. It’s a lot of trouble to go through for an interview, but GNOH has spared no expense. Read on and find out what O’Brien can tell us about his recent visit to the past and his latest book, John Titor is an Asshole.
 
So Jeff, the book is about how you were transported against your will from the year 2018 all the way back to 1988. How have you been holding up?
 
Well, for starters, I’m sitting here in 1988 holding a copy of a book that I wrote in 2019 about experiences I had in 2018. Confusing, right? The real Men in Black used their time traveling abilities to give me a copy of the book. I’m hoping I can hold onto it until I get back to 2019 because then, when I get back, I won’t even have to go through the whole writing process. I can just type out what’s already in the book and publish it. Time travel sure can be a hassle, but look at all the work it’s gonna save me!
Sadly 1988 isn’t as different as I thought it would be. Lots of smoke everywhere. I almost forgot you used to be able to smoke indoors pretty much everywhere. I decided to start again. I quit in 2013, but I figure since I’m in 1988 it doesn’t count. So I’ve got that going for me. And I’m gonna be going to the mall in a little bit. Remember malls in the 80s? I can’t wait to see that shit again.
 
What do you like the most about being back in the ‘80s? What do you miss most about 2019?
 
I’m most excited about experiencing this year as an adult. The first time I was in 1988 I was only 7 years old. I’m gonna try to make the most of this experience while I’m back here. My top priority is finding a Bradlee’s or Zayre’s some other defunct department store with a Nintendo console in the electronics section. I’m gonna school those kids in Legend of Zelda with no map, and trick them into thinking I’m some Nintendo wizard from the future. Oh wait, I AM just that.
 
As far as what I miss most about 2019, damn I dunno. Technology and stuff. I keep looking at my cell phone and remembering I can’t get internet access. I guess I’m gonna have to go buy a spank mag or two after this interview is over.
 
Have you found yourself in any other eras since your journey began? Do you have any favorite time periods, or least favorite ones? Are there any periods you haven’t gotten to visit that you would like to?
 
Oh yes. I first landed here in 1988. Then I had the misfortune of waking up in cowboy times. Wild West. I don’t even know what year it was. I was not there under the most pleasant of circumstances, and had to duel the sheriff because he claimed I banged his daughter or something. That’s not even why that era is my least favorite, though. People fucking stunk back then, dude. Their pits. Their breath. Everything. Even the rich people and the pretty ladies in the fancy dresses. Very unpleasant. Would not recommend. Then I landed in 2008. Let me tell you, 2008 was just as boring as I remembered it. I also had an unpleasant run-in with Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator, but you’ll have to read the book to get the skinny on that. Then I got chased by the real Men in Black to 1999 and got to relive my glory days as a high school emo boy. The quest pretty much ended there, but I got sent back to 1988 to take care of some unfinished business. And here I am writing out the answers to this interview sent from some scientist guys claiming they’re associated with Ginger Nuts of Horror.
 
And as long as the trip could be brief, I’d like to go to the Giza Plateau whenever the Pyramids were built. I gotta see that shit in real time. But I’m very pale, burn easy, and hate heat. So I can’t stay there very long.
 
Tell us about some of the interesting characters and personalities you’ve encountered in your adventures. A little birdy told me that you got to meet one of my favorite oft-overlooked ‘80s scream queens Mistress Osirah. What’s that been like?
 
Yes, I’m at her place right now. Her real name is Sarah Bartlett. Pretty sure she has the hots for me. Not because I’m hot or anything. I think she just likes the allure of me being a mystical time traveler. I did also rescue her from nearly being sacrificed on a stone altar by John Titor, so that might be helping me a little too. She’s got a great VHS collection of forgotten horror movies, most of which she starred in. Hopefully I’ll be able to spread the word about her when I get back home to 2018 and revive her career, unless I come back to find a whole different 2018 where she’s still famous. I did mention the reason I’m here is to give her sage perv advice from the future on how she can shift her appearance to something more timeless, right? Straighten that hair and lower those thong straps. Yeah, she literally had me sent back in time 30 years for that.
 
I haven’t done much socializing in my timely travels, since until now that the quest is over, I had to focus mainly on the task at hand. The only other person I’ve spent any real time with is that asshole John Titor. He’s a shifty scumbag who wears way too much disgusting cologne. That’s all I have to say there.
 
Before finding yourself the victim of this chronal conundrum, did you have any interest in time travel prior? I believe one of the individuals involved in plucking you from 2018 was the infamous time traveler John Titor. What can you tell us about him? How familiar were you with Titor before this adventure?
 
I had no interest in it whatsoever. I mean, I’ve been to the edge of the Flat Earth dimension. I’ve seen some shit. But time travel was the one thing I didn’t think was actually possible. Yet here I am. And yes, Titor was the one who plucked me and sent me. It’s all his doing. Sure backfired on him though.
 
I also thought the whole John Titor thing was a total hoax that originated from Art Bell’s old message board. That’s the last time I approach something with a closed mind.
 
Is there any truth to the rumor that your encounter with John Titor recently attracted the attention of a second, imposter John Titor who has threatened to write a hatchet-job book about you? What can you tell us about that?
 
Yes, that is 100% true. All I can really say is check out his video about me on his YouTube channel. I think it’s titled “Jeff O’Brien Cyber Bully Internet Troll Writer” or something like that. The guy is like 130 years old and I doubt he’s really going to write the book. I’d never be lucky enough to have that kind of publicity.
 
As incredible and as hard to believe it is, this journey through the time-stream is not the first real-life adventure that you’ve written about. Would you mind telling us about some of your other amazing experiences and where interested parties can read about them?
 
Ahh, yes. As I previously mentioned, I’ve discovered the truth behind the multiverse and traveled to the Flat Earth dimension. Earth is flat, man. Just not the physical one we live on. That little trip brought a lot of other places too, specifically the bunker miles below Denver International Airport where there is an underground railway that takes you through the dimensional gateway and to the very edge of the Flat Earth dimension. This is all chronicled in my memoir Journey to the Edge of the Flat Earth, available on Amazon for a reasonable price.
 
Finally, what other artefacts have you included in the time capsule containing your interview answers, and why?
 
Had I know this interview was going to happen, and in such a way, I would have come better prepared. Best I can do is a banana Twinkie and a box of Nintendo cereal. Since those don’t exist in 2019 I’ll consider sharing them with you as a thanks for reaching out and giving me this great publicity. Thanks, William! I hope this time capsule finds you well.

John Titor is an Asshole by Jeff O'Brien

Sarah Bartlett, a sexy 80s horror movie host yearns for eternal stardom, or at least to stay relevant for a few decades. After seeking out world-renowned time traveler John Titor, a hero from the future - struggling author and 80s movie expert Jeff O'Brien - is sent to help her achieve that dream. But, such services do not come without a price - neither for Sarah nor for her knight in shining armor. Both are about to learn that JOHN TITOR IS AN ASSHOLE.

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